I (the Rector) recently wrote some doggerel versions of old testament stories for use in assemblies at school, and thie kids seem to like them, so thought I would put them on the website for those who want to read them/use them. They probably still need a bit of honing!

The Big Guy and the Little Guy

Saul the king was frightened to bits
His soldiers scared out of their wits,
As every day, over the way
The giant came out to play.

He stood tall - two metres or three,
With arms of steel, and tough as a tree
He shouted out loud over to King Saulís crowd,
Whereís the man who will fight with me?

Saulís soldiers cowered - fight him? no fear
Not even with armour, and all the right gear,
Heís big as a house and Iím just a mouse
Said a commander back at the rear.

Day in and day out, and right through the night
The giant roared his challenge to fight,
Where is the brave, he used to rave
Who will take on this awesome might?

One day the soldiers were watching the brute
When along came a boy so terribly cute
Who looked after sheep, when he wasnít asleep,
And sometimes as well played a flute.

Whatís the noise, he said - whatís the gig,
Whoís making a noise that sounds like a pig
Whoís yelling and balling, and wonít stop calling
Your soldiers as weak as a twig?

Itís the giant, over there, said his big brother
Heís 6 foot taller than any other
With his sword and his shield, telling us to yeild
And you should see the size of his mother!

What, says the boy - no-one will fight,
A bully like that - thatís not right,
Here - hold my gown, Iíll take him down,
And earth and dust he will bite.

Saul the king said here take my kit,
I hope you find it a pretty good fit.
But the armour was large, so he said to the Sarge,
Iíll do without, and win by my wit.

The boy walked across to meet the man
The giant, the monster, as big as a van,
As the boy grabbed a rock, he started to mock
And laughed - youíll be right down the pan

The giant laughed as the boy came near
Am I supposed to fight this sweet little dear
Iíll eat him for tea, with a nice piece of brie
He said with a real nasty leer.

But the boy said nout, gave the giant a stare
As he took out his slingshot , without a care
He emptied his sock where he kept the rock,
Loaded his sling, spun it high in the air.

The slingshot whirled around and around
Then straight for the giant the stone was bound
It hit his head, he fell dead
He crumpled like a sack to the ground.

David was the name of this young lad,
Goliath the man who was bad
But with God on his side, the giant had died
And the people were free and were glad.

We too have our giants, our enemies tough
Like fear, and anger and other things rough
But today give a nod, to Davidís God
And he will get rid of our guff.

Let My People Go.......

God said let my people go,
Said Moses to the King pharoah,
On your bike, take a hike,
Said Pharoah, no way no how, no, no.

Then plagues be upon your land
Said Moses to the ruling band
Along came frogs, and fire and dogs
But still Pharoah said, never, here I stand.

Well, said Moses - your first born will die
If still you continue to defy
The heavenly king, whose commands I bring
And in the streets the firstborn lie.

At last the Pharoah says enough, enough
This God of yours is getting rough
Take all the slaves, their wives and knaves
To face God down - Iím not that tough.

The slaves went East towards the land
That God had promised this down-trodden band.
They trudged to the East, Free at least
Till they reached the red sea, across the sand.

Then pharoah shouted: bring them back,
What a fool I was to give them the sack,
We need them all both short and tall
To make the bricks and roads and tracks.

Pharoahís army set out to chase
Godís people to their very base
Beside the sea, where they had felt free
Till the stormy sea they had to face.

Moses turned to God and said
Are you trying to make us dead?
Weíll drown in the sea or be slaves again by tea
Dead or slaves, itís choice that we dread!

But a great wind started to blow
And the currents on the sea did flow
Then a gap grew for the slaves to walk through
Through the red sea not deep now, made low.

Into the gap the slaves made their way
While the wind held the sea at bay,
The slaves danced around The creatures they found
Crossing the sea took them nearly all day.

There were crabs, and lobsters and fish
And other things fit for a dish
When served with some chips, and hot salsa dip
And a light salad if that is your wish.

At last they had crossed the red sea
And sat down for a hearty tea
While Pharoahís army, acting quite barmy
Marched into the water, like crossing the river Dee.

Well sadly the wind stopped blowing strong
And the gap disappeared before too long
And the army was drowned, by the water that found
Itís way back to where it belonged.

The story is clear to us all who can tell
That God saves his people right well
But donít stand in the way, of God any day
Those who hurt Godís people, they fell.

An Angry man!

Elijah was a ferocious guy,
With hair, and muscles and a scowl - I donít know why
Jezebel the queen couldnít stand the mean
Prophet who said she should die.

Jezebel the Queen turned her back on our God
She was an ugly woman who looked like a cod
We all bow our knee, she said with real glee
To the idols I brought from the old land of nod.

Worship idols, stormed the prophet,
And serve their priestly set
No way no how, to them I wonít bow
For God is the man whom I owe my debt

Jezebel was angry, Jezebel was fierce
If you wonít bow down then you I will pierce
With a spear and an arrow, just like a marrow
Youíll crumple - weíll shed no tears.

A contest, said Elijah is what we need
And see which can do the great deed
Of burning the ox, Iíve got in this box
And roast beef, all of us feed.

They put the ox on a great table
And the priests danced and worshipped as they were able
The priests did pray, right through the day
To burn up the ox called mable.

They prayed that their gods would burn
This ox, and they looked stern
Send down your fire, but things looked dire
As each of them took their turn.

All day they chanted, all day they sang
They thought their gods would reply with a bang
But nothing would cook, as the crowds did look
And watch them fail, the pathetic gang.

Elijah shouted where is your fire?
Have you already begun to tire?
Your gods can do nout, without a doubt
Your hopes have gone down the wire.

Perhaps, said the prophet, they have gone to have
Some time in bed, or sat on the lav
Or perhaps theyíre dead, and you wonít get fed
If you hope to eat - youíre daft.

Then Elijah stood tall - itís time for the real God
Weíll give him our time, give him a nod
But first lets start to make our part
So much harder where you have trod.

He fetched a bucket and loads of water
And poured it out on the ox for the slaughter
Then he stood tall and proud, and prayed aloud,
God, send more fire than you oughter
Then the fire it came and the lightening rained
On the ox that was ready and Elijah drained
More water on the ox, now red as a fox
As it cooked as the sunlight waned.

Elijah turned in a mood of black
To the priests whose gods lack
The strength to burn the ox in their turn
Yet are worshipped by those off track.

Donít worship false gods like these we have seen
Who were created by this evil queen
Worship the God who this way trod
With fire, and strength and love and hope and joy and peace and lots of other things which donít rhyme with seen or queen but really matterÖÖÖ..